The Lionhearts

October 2024

Actually, Brad and Rich's hearts are way bigger and warmer than any lion's. Travelling with them is like basking in the sunshine of your love, at once serenaded by impeccably delivered songs from 1970s, 80s and 90s England, then suddenly swirling into pre-pubescent degenerate madness for a bit, and then, before the laughter has even subsided, finding ourselves pouring the depths of our own hearts into the gentle receptacles of each other's empathy and compassion.

Yes, what a blessing it is to be amongst these undeniably great men.

Real men.

The lads had booked a flight to Tbilisi from the UK, which was due to arrive at an unGoddessly hour, but I couldn't resist making my way to the airport at 4am to meet them.

The throng

It was so good to see these two infinitely young men, disguised as older ones. We coffee-ed, dropped gear off at our hostel, and then wandered off to explore the city.

Soviet-era mural

Crossing the Kura River

Hoges and Strop

We strolled to the Old Town

No, they don't mean 8OOK BOZZIA

This poor guy has to stand here all day

It makes sense when you're pissed

Sinking into the metro depths. It was a long long way down.

Back in our district

Rich had a local friend here in Tbilisi, Levan, and so on their first night here we all went off to an amazing local restaurant called Shavi Lomi, (the black lion), and had an incredible feast.

Levan is a super interesting guy, a local entrepreneur and manager, and he recommended we try loads of local food delicacies, which were unbelievably delicious. It was a precursor for the incredible culinary journey that we were unknowingly about to embark upon for the next couple of weeks.

I was so fascinated by the conversation and the food that I forgot to take pics. Especially after the second bottle of delicious local red wine.

The meal also happened to cost us a bloody fortune, but, you know, when in roam....

The next day we chilled, explored town a little, and prepared for our upcoming cycle journey.

Our hostel friend

It's election day today. People are deciding whether to continue to embrace Europe, or to return to the policies of many years ago, and support Russia. After this election international observers expressed many doubts about the conduct of the election, saying there were many irregularities in the voting results. I know that for a fact because I actually spoke to a UN election observer after their work.

No one was surprised by the fact that it wasn't a fair election, because Russia was involved.

We decided to go to a restaurant called Ghebi, recommended to us by Beth, an American woman we met at our hostel who's lived in Georgia for ages. It was amazing. Cheap, local and delicious.

Rich, salivating in anticipation.

Brad, salivating in participation. He's eating mushroom khinkali, basically a stuffed little bag of pasta. We had them many times in Georgia, and these were the best anywhere.

I had another little play on the Comefart piano

We went out late, had a really good meal, and watched the El Classico football match at a bar, because a Spanish guy at our hostel, Roger(io), told us about it. El Classico is the biggest game in Spanish football, and is always between Real Madrid and Barcelona, by far the biggest teams in the Spanish league. This time Barca thrashed Real Madrid, in one of their greatest El Classico wins ever.

Well, that's not necessarily true, but it's definitely the greatest win that I've ever seen.

By the way I haven't seen an El Classico before.

Three Wheelers

And finally the day came for us to load up our bikes, and to head west. Because we couldn't make up our minds what the hell we wanted to do in Georgia, we decided to head to the historic capital of Mtskheta, only 25km west of the capital, hoping that some sort of idea would come to one of us by the time any of us learnt how to pronounce the name of that town.

It took us 64 hours to load our bikes in the morning, even though Brad and Rich only had 3 little bags each, and a few bits and pieces. That's what happens when you cycle tour for the first time ever (Rich), or for the first time in a long time (Brad), I have to be very honest and say that I did pretty much the exact same thing on my first cycle trip.

You have to decide what to bring, and then decide where to put it. Rich had never packed his bike before, so it took time to work out where the wheels and handlebars were, and how to strap something onto your frame without it falling off every five minutes.

I stood around and pretended to be interested and helpful, whilst wandering off every now and then to eat a boiled egg.

Puss Out Of Boots slept for a few hours here and there, and every time she awoke we were still packing.

Percy Pigs kept us nourished during the whole anxious process.

Eventually we left. It was probably about 3pm, I can't remember, but, no, my poetic licence says it must have been way later than that.

The Tbilisi roads were pretty busy by then, being Sunday arvo and all, but eventually we made our way out of the city, and got off the main highway heading west.

Brad showing Rich where the handlebars are again.

Rich showing us how he can ride without hands. He's really good at it. Apparently it gets harder when you start pedalling, but I haven't tried that yet, it's too scary.

Georgian Humphrey Bogart downing a pint with his monk mate.

Eventually we made it close to our unpronounceable destination town, we could see a beautiful ancient monastery on the hill as we approached from across the river.

The gorgeous small town of Mtskheta. I dare you to say that with a mouthful of dumplings, remembering that the kh is pronounced like the ch in the Loch Ness Monchter.

Brad teaching us one of his disco moves

Rich pretending to look handsome and peaceful

We had wine ice cream

The icecream was strong, Rich looked like this after just one lick. We chatted to Tosha, a Russian woman from Kazan, she helped Rich and I find our hidden guesthouse which Brad had already found.

The view from our guesthouse balcony. It looked very nipply up there, I mean nippy.

It was a vine view in the other direction

Brad's right hand disappeared when I took this pic, in a Jimmy Saville kinda way. Rich looks like he can feel exactly where it is.

The afterglow

The beautiful Svetitskhoveli Cathedral, which is actually regarded as the most sacred Christian site in the whole of Georgia, and is a UNESCO World Heritage site. It's also the second largest church building in Georgia, after the Holy Trinity Church in Tbilisi.

The beautiful town of Mtskheta is one of the oldest cities in Georgia, and one of the oldest continuously inhabited cities in the world. From about 500BC to 500AD it was a large fortified city, and the economic and political capital of the Kingdom of Iberia (also known as the Kingdom of Kartli - the old name for Georgia).

Kartli flourished as a kingdom for many centuries, either as an independent state, or as a dependent state of larger empires such as the Roman or Sassanid Empires. The Sassanids were a Persian (Iranian) Empire that kept losing its rulers, because they kept getting a Sassanided.

Mtskheta is a really beautiful place, but has been a little touristafied down the main street alongside the cathedral. Small stalls sell nice things like local wines and foods and clothing and souvenirs, but at silly inflated prices.

I often do. It's not that hard, is it?

Someone had a sparkly birthday.

Brad was flabbergasted at the beauty of the place.

We had a nice dinner at the only place in town that was open by the time we were ready to sit down to eat, which was pretty late.

This is an ancient sign left behind by the Tsarist colonisers of this region. No wonder their pipes always got blocked.

Jvari Monastery

After cooking ourselves a delicious eggy breakfast, we all Yandexed it across the river and up the hill, to the beautiful and historic Jvari Monastery.

The cathedral in town looked gorgeous in the morning, as I wandered to the shops.

Heading up the hill to Jvari.

The beautiful Jvari monastery, perched high on a hill overlooking the ancient capital of Mtskheta, is a rare example of an early Medieval Georgian church that has remained largely unchanged through the centuries. It was built in the 6th Century AD, around the time Christianity first came to Georgia, on a site where the famous St Nino (who was a she) erected a large cross on the site of a pagan temple (the word jvari means "cross").

St Nino's cross became famous throughout the Caucasus at the time, because it was said to be able to perform miracles for pilgrims. It's actually true, because Brad, Rich and I were able to get up there and back in a taxi without being completely ripped off by the driver.

The views were stunning up there.

The confluence of the Kura and Aragvi rivers. The wider and murkier Kura river is the same river that runs through Tbilisi.

The church was full of devotees and touristees.

The artwork inside is amazing

Sacred kitty litter

A replica of the miraculous cross

We didn't stay up there too long as we had a long ride ahead of us.

Back in town, we couldn't leave without visiting the amazing Cathedral.

This is the most sacred place in Christian Georgia, for a number of reasons. It apparently contains the very robe that Jesus wore when he was crucified, all those centuries ago. The thing is, a few other churches around the world make the same claim, so no one really knows for sure.

But the robe isn't on display anywhere.

There's no doubting the magnificence of the place though, nor the devotion of the pilgrims who were in there with us. It's always moving to be amongst people who are so unshakeably faithful to their beliefs.

A Long Ride

By 1pm we were finally ready to rock'n'roll.

Brad letting me know how many massages he's gonna give me when we get to our destination. He's so kind.

There were some cracker views as we headed west, on our slow journey towards the Black Sea.

It's dangerous in these parts. We came across this yeti booty, obviously left by a toddler yeti who realised that her feet looked exactly like her booties and so what was the bloody point in wearing them.

After riding around 60 clicks and over a collection of hills, we finally made it to our destination, the small city of Gori. Given that this is Rich's first ever cycle tour, he did amazingly well, and Brad and I sometimes even totally forgot he was a virgin.

We got to Gori at nightfall and immediately hunted for food. Luckily us three musketeers didn't have to use our guns, as there was a pub.

We snuck in some beer (and maybe even some wine), but skipped on the souces. Well, actually Rich and I did, Brad drank other boring drinks, like water, but we all feasted on the most amazing dishes of traditional Georgian food.

Uncannily, we met Tom and Tim, expat Englishmen, who were super interesting to chat with. There were Poms bloody everywhere.

Tom is a photojournalist, (just like me, haha), who's back in Georgia after being away for two years. He's already spent quite some time here in the past. Tim is involved in managing large engineering projects around the place, and is here on holidays.

Later Tata arrived, a super interesting local photographer, and I spent ages talking with her about life in Georgia, about the very corrupt political situation here at the moment, about the financial prospects for artists (really hard to make a quid), about music, travel, film, and food. She gave me loads of great local recommendations, such as pkhali, an amazing appetiser, which Inordered straight away.

I stole this pic from the web btw.

Pkhali is a dish of a selection of different very finely chopped vegetables, mashed with chopped walnuts, garlic and spices, and served sort of as dips, accompanied by mchad, a corn bread. It's the bomb, as the dish normally includes spinach, beetroots, eggplants, and other such delightful varieties. There's always pomegranate fruits floating around on them too.

Tata also gave me some of 'er 'erb! The magic 'erb that is. So kind of her. I was really surprised, because she just popped it out on the table, in public.

It wasn't until later that we realised that cannabis is actually legal in Georgia, surprise surprise. No wonder she was so blasé about it all. It's not legal to smoke cannabis in public or to sell it, but you can possess it and consume it in the privacy of your own (or someone else's) home.

Who would've thought?

The next day Brad told me that English Tom was totally into Tata, and said it was bloody obvious, but Rich and I hadn't noticed, so I didn't feel too guilty about hogging her attention for pretty much the whole time she was there. I couldn't help it, she was sat right next to me, plus she was super cute, but I didn't notice that.

Eventually us tricyclists made our way to a little apartment, where, despite its name, nothing gruesome or horrible happened. We ended up staying a couple of nights, so we could rest our bones, and also so Rich could wash his cycle pants, which he'd sullied along the way, in a very symmetrical and cycle-gel-ish kinda way.

Rich and I also tried some local brandy, which reminded me of the Saras and Sarahs I know. Hi Saras and Sarahs, love you❤️

Uplistikhe

The view from our apartment the next morning was stunning. Looks cold doesn't it. That's because it was. It was only about 3 degrees when we were eating outside last night, don't ask me why we stayed out there.

And it was even colder in the morn.

That's the Gori Fortress on the left. I went up there the next day.

After cooking breakfast and organising this and that we decided to cycle the 15 clicks out to the famous ancient city of Uplistikhe, an amazing settlement carved into a cliff face alongside the beautiful Mtkvari river.

They keep forgetting to use vowels around here.

Our beautiful cycle trip involved avoiding packs of nasty looking dogs, who seemed to relax (just a little) when you slowed down a bit and spoke to them in gentle English, but who sometimes looked to me very much like they fancied some English Spam or Polish sausage. Some Georgian dogs are bloody big.

We also had to avoid a young local driver who decided to do donuts in his car, wild 360 degree spins, around an intersection we needed to cross. He went around a few times, then screeched off for a couple of minutes, then came back and did it all again, eventually racing off, leaving the smell of burning rubber lingering in the air, like the deliberate putrid fart of an insecure teenager desperate for attention.

Well, he definitely got it.

We arrived at the World Heritage site, and decided to educate ourselves in the museum first up.

Enriching himself

Uplistikhe is an amazing place. The earliest structures there date way back to the year Dot (0 AD), many centuries before Christianity was to arrive in Georgia (Kartli), and a whole host of different civilisations resided there over many many centuries afterwards.

Greek arty facts

When Christianity came to Georgia, Uplistikhe declined in importance, and places like Mkstekha and Tbilisi usurped it as the centres of power. However it still developed independently, and during the Muslim conquest of Tbilisi in the 8th-10th Centuries, it remained an important Christian stronghold, with churches and basilica already constructed there.

Rich being bored, after he'd memorised everything in the whole museum. Actually there was a cool video in there that explained the history of the place in a completely non-boring way, which is quite unusual.

Actually the most incredible thing about the place is that it's all basically carved into the cliffs, totally chipped out by hand (and foot).

It really is an incredible architectural feat (and hands).

Imagine digging this tunnel with a little chisel.

Pretty nice views innit

All of these holes were actually carved, to create secure and comfy dwellings, large temples, and other buildings to support the community and its activities, which included the comprehensive production of wine.

Blackened burnt ceiling of an old temple

This was some sort of spiritual symbol, probably related to fertility. It reminds me of the yoni symbol in Hinduism, which is representative of female regenerative power.

There was a beautiful old church there, which had its own collection of amazing art.

Rich and Brad were overwhelmed by the place.

Eventually we climbed back down, so we wouldn't have to cycle in the dark.

This at-first friendly guy, who turned out to be a scheming ripoff merchant, offered to look after our bicycles while we explored the cave city. When we returned we thought we'd do the right thing and order three pomegranate juices from him, as he'd helped us, and the juice is delicious and makes your lips sexy red.

Rich told me to ask him how much the juices were before ordering, but I didn't, thinking he'd just give us a slightly overpriced deal, like they always do to tourists around here.

So when he told us they were 20 Lari per cup (about £7), I initially laughed, but then he insisted we pay that much. We couldn't believe it, as, for 20 Lari, we could buy about 5 or 6 pastries from the bakery. And that's just for one juice.

Bloody bastard! We paid the stupid price, because we were stupid. Well I guess it was mainly me who was stupid as I ordered them in the first place.

I haven't been stung like that for awhile, but it taught me a lesson I should've known by now - just because people are friendly and nice around here doesn't mean they're not gonna try and get as much cash as they can from you in an unfriendly and unnice way.

Yep, I'm getting closer to Europe. This ain't Southeast Asia or China or the eastern part of Central Asia anymore.

Anyway, that little experience became a bit of a theme for out trip, from then on we'd often compare the price of something with the totally inflated price of our three pomegranate juices.

Heading back to town

Brad in the apartment lift, doin' a Brad.

We walked to local restaurant, it was big, but totally packed. So we found another great place in town.

Georgian rugby star. As if he would drink rubbish soft drinks.

Slinky cat

We ordered too much food by mistake. Easy to do around here. It was so cheap, way less than three pomegranate juices worth, including drinks.

I'd quite like my hair to be a bit curlier, but the bottle was too big to carry.

We bought some acid. This particular variety is for long people.

Brad only needed one.

Stalin

Gori Town Hall, from Stalin Square. Yes, that mad megalomaniac, Joseph Stalin, was actually born in Gori, and, as a young man, actually went to study theology in Tbilisi.

If only he'd taken heed of the teachings.

Stalin was the leader of the Soviet Union for nearly 30 years, from 1924, and was one of the most brutal dictators in world history, being directly responsible for the deaths of tens of millions of Soviet citizens.

In 1932 and 1933 Stalin's forced rapid industrialisation contributed to massive famines in the Soviet Union, which resulted in the deaths of up to 8 million citizens, from many different parts of the Soviet empire, including Ukraine, Kazakhstan, and the northern Caucasus.

And, as if that weren't enough, from 1936 to 1938, during what was known as the Great Purge, Stalin ordered the mass deportation, torture and execution of many different groups within Soviet society. His first targets were his political enemies (of course), but then he expanded the purge to include much of the intelligentsia, wealthier peasants (especially money lenders - known as kulaks), professionals, and various ethnic groups such as Poles and Germans.

If Stalin's victims weren't directly executed, they were sent to prison camps (known as gulags), and many eventually died there anyway, as the conditions were impossibly brutal. Over a million people were directly killed during the purge, and a further 18 million were sent to the gulags, resulting in millions more deaths.

Stalin initially sided with Hitler in World War II, allowing Hitler to invade Poland and expand eastwards. But when Hitler attacked Russia, Stalin then turned to the west for support, and Russia became part of the Allied forces, fighting Germany in Europe and elsewhere.

The war was an absolute catastrophe for Russian military personnel and civilians. An estimated 27 million died, 19 million of them civilians, and the vast majority were not killed by German troops or bombs. Poor organisation and distribution of food and necessary equipment, and widespread shortages of food and vital goods and services which were provided to the military instead of to civilians, resulted in the deaths of tens of millions of innocent people.

During the war Stalin directed his forces to take over much of Eastern Europe and the Balkan states, and then did various deals with Roosevelt and Churchill to ensure he controlled those territories once the war ended. Because of this massive expansion of the Soviet empire, Stalin is still revered in some circles in Russia and the ex-Soviet Union.

These days Putin talks of him as a great hero.

And in Gori, there's even a Stalin museum for the mad fucker.

Treading West

Brad, Rich and I don't really have any fixed concrete plan for our journey, it's more like a windy dirt track.

For now we've decided to head west, and stay in the huge valley that runs east to west through Georgia, as heading north or south will immediately bring us into the high mountains (the Greater or Lesser Caucasus), into even colder temperatures, and into the snow.

So we'll stick to the gentler climes, even though the temperature is in the high single digits most days, and often below zero at night.

I feel so lucky, because we've all got time to hang out for awhile.

But I sorta know how these things work.

Before you know it they'll have to leave, and suddenly it'll be all over red rover.

But for now I can still bask in some warm and fuzzy lionheartedness❤️

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